color blind?

How could i have been so blind, ignoring all the RED FLAGS that appeared as soon as we went RT. SO many things said, but nothing ever realized. i waited, i tried harder, i excepted and obeyed. Even i denied my own needs and desires focusing only on his. i tried and tried...never to be good enough to be rewarded; Only not good enough to be denied.

So here i am again down, broken hearted
after i tell him, at his urging that his new ink
makes me feel bad
like another dig at my submission
which naturally he doesn't understand

and honestly neither do i

He: I tried to teach you. After work I would come home at 2,3,4 in the morning and train you. I didn't get anything out of it.

me: ::thinking:: Every night u were greeted by a naked/kneeling slave. ur dick got sucked, i bathed u. After i got you off, there was no thought of me or my needs. i was always dutiful, trying to my best abilities to be obedient, i would trot off to the kitchen & make him something to eat. after which he would then send me to bed, because i had to get up early and go to work. NOTHING for me. Horny as all get out and sub frenzied out of my brain. i was confused, i couldn't concentrate on anything, no wonder i lost the job i had at the time.

Working FT/dayshift, i wasn't in the proper frame of mind at 2am (or later) to be trained on how to walk and talk.. when he got home from working swing shift. this shift which he requested already putting a divide between us from the get go.
This was such an important time in our relationship, it was to be the beginning of our forever . All he cared about was the power trip he was on and that his needs were being met.

A truly sexual being trapped in this now foreign land Celibacy was one thing, but this was ludicrous. We had spoken of the intimate moments we were going to share, the BDsM we both wanted to enjoy. But NOTHING.
I had thought.. especially when i begged to be taught
How to fuck(u gave up after i trying to perform the [for me] difficult position u desired)
How to kiss a brother properly (the way i kissed was unacceptable)
How to dance with u (so we could go out and have fun together)
How to just have a conversation with you

Hoping still for some affection, some attention some.....Something.
i was told he doesn't do romance - sadly i accepted, this info.
Funny thing was i wasn't in need of romance, what i wanted and needed was INTIMACY. So i guess this relationship started out dys-functional. I just didn't realize it until now.

I did things in public i wasn't comfortable with
when certain scenarios came up
i was judged and never given the opportunity to communicate about them
just logged away in the another reason she's a crappy slave file


Now with him telling me to find someone that will do what i want
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

WHY CAN'T HE SEE I NEED SOMEONE TO GUIDE ME
ONE WHO HAS THE BALLS TO BE ACCOUNTABLE IF I AM SLACKING
TO SHOW ME THERE ARE REPERCUSSIONS FOR NOT LISTENING, MISBEHAVIOR

NOT SOME WEAK POSTER ASSWIPE THAT PRETENDS TO HAVE PARTICIPATED IN THIS LIFESTYLE WITH NO PROOF WHAT-SO-EVER

ITS NOT THAT I WANT TO BE FORCED TO SUBMIT, TO ANYONE
MY SUBMISSION, I WILL GIVE FREELY TO ONE WHO IS TRUE.

IT IS A TWO-WAY STREET, AND I AM LONGING FOR A NEW VEHICLE



NOT ANOTHER SUBMISSIVE THAT DOES WHAT I WANT

ONE THAT IS STRONG AND CLEARLY DEFINES OUR ROLES AND THE EXPECTATIONS
NO GUESS WORK

ONE THAT WILL TAKE UP THE REIGNS OF MY CURRENTLY SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL LIFE AND GIVE ME POSITIVE DIRECTION TOWARDS FULLFILLMENT

When He takes the reins...

Not often that He takes the reins;
her natural instinct is to buck and pull back.

she longs to let go completely
she desires deeply to fly free,
but inconsistencies further forge fear.